The Truth That Struggling couples don't want to hear

man and woman angrily looking away from each other on red couch

What’s worse than not having the answer to your problem? How about being given the answer and rejecting it as the truth. It would be like teaching your child that two plus two equals four and them telling you, “No, it’s five and you will never convince me otherwise.”

As silly as this tiny example may sound, it is the exact situation that we find so often in our society. It boils down to the fact that accepting the truth means having to admit we are wrong, and if we are wrong then we must take personal responsibility for our actions. It is that same pride that keeps so many people from realizing their need for a loving God to create in them a clean heart, transform their minds and ultimately change their very nature.

As we minister to couples who come to us distraught and sometimes in the middle of filing for divorce, this scenario plays out all too often. It is either one or both individuals that aren’t ready to let go of their pride, take personal responsibility for the state their marriage is in, and allow God to intervene. You see, the truth that couples never want to hear is this, your spouse isn’t the problem. As a matter of fact, we compound the problem in our relationships when we want to blame all the problems on the other person instead of taking a close look at what part we played in creating the current environment. It goes back to that personal responsibility thing. I realize there are exceptions where physical or mental abuse exist and the victimized spouse had no part in whatever is causing such vile behavior. For the most part, however, both spouses need to take responsibility for the lack of care shown towards the marriage that ultimately creates isolation, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness. All of these help create an environment conducive to bad choices resulting in the breaking of the marriage covenant. For example, no one just wakes up one day and decides to have an affair. There is a culture of isolation and despair that helps feed that flame. While no one ever has the right to make such a devastating choice to do something like that, both spouses must work daily to protect the environment in their marriage and build walls of protection around their relationship that keep the enemy from getting in. To be clear, your spouse is NOT your enemy.

1 Peter 5:8 (niv) says “your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour”, and if he can take out your spouse, he can take out your marriage. The enemy hates marriage because when a man and a woman are joined together and become one in Christ Jesus, it is a powerful union. One of the greatest threats to the enemy’s agenda on this earth is two individuals coming into agreement in faith asking God to move on their behalf. Remember Matthew 18:19? Jesus said, “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about something they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” (niv) Oh how powerful is when a husband and wife live for the Lord together and agree to let Him be first in their relationship. It’s like having nuclear launch codes at your disposal.

Since our spouse is not the enemy, we must stop pointing fingers. We can’t even point the finger at them for blaming it all on us! One of the keys to marriage, (and this could extend to our daily Christian lives) is constant examination of ourselves. Am I loving my spouse as Jesus would? Am I willing to lay down my selfish ambitions and desires for the sake of my marriage? What things am I allowing in my life that are hindering my walk with God and therefore hindering my relationship with my spouse? Where have I compromised in my values and my faith?

So, you want to know the truth couples don’t want to hear? You have some personal responsibility for the condition of your marriage, period. You can’t fix your spouse, only God can, but you can let God fix you. In the process, your whole perspective may change. You may receive a new burden for your spouse who is being completely selfish and rebellious. You may just begin to love them as God so loved the world and gave His only begotten son for it. None of us deserved that, yet He did it for all of us. Even your spouse. Let’s stop deciding who should receive God’s grace. That’s God’s job, and that’s a truth some couples just don’t want to hear.

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Living Down To Expectations

coastline with the quote don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable

Image courtesy of "quotefancy"

Have you ever had negative expectations put on you? Of course you have. "You're just like your father" they said, or "we knew you would react that way because you always do". Sound familiar? If so, as I have, you have probably spent a lot of time doing everything in your power to prove them wrong. We tell ourselves that we will never be like those that have helped form who we have become as many of those influences have been bad. We've all heard of the generational curse and many of you I'm sure have been told that you're destined to commit the same sins of your parents or grandparents. Well, guess what, you don't have to live down to those expectations!
As I write this, my very first blog, I come from the perspective of a man whose parents divorced when he was seven. The son of a man who has fallen prey to extra marital affairs many times, the brother of two sisters who have seen much pain in previous marriages, and someone who has personally failed many times in his own marriage to live a Godly life and be the husband I should be. Yet, here I am, married for 21 years with three wonderful teenagers and with my beautifully awesome wife the co-founder of a marriage ministry. You heard me right, a marriage ministry.
So how could someone who has had very little in the way of successful marriages around him be called to reach out to other marriages? It's very simple... I choose to live up to His expectations rather than live down to theirs! 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that in Christ old things are passed away and behold all things are made new. Paul teaches us also that Jesus became the curse when He hung on the tree, therefore the generational curse is broken in Jesus name! You no longer have to live down to expectations, your marriage can be a success, YOU CAN CHANGE!
You can't change on your own though, and you definitely can't change your spouse. It is only in Christ Jesus that we find the power that will change us forever. There is no self-help book, and no manual on marriage that can bring about the desired change. Those are great tools that help us apply the principles of God's word to our lives, but they in essence have never "changed" anyone, Jesus has!
So about those expectations. It is also Paul who tells us that God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. He uses the broken, battered, least likely candidates so that the whole world will know that it is God who does wonders, not man. That's me, and for whatever purpose He has, that's you. So don't let people's expectations limit your ability to live big for God and, since it's what our ministry is about, have a great marriage. Your past doesn't determine your future, you do. Every choice you make determines it. Psalms 37:5 says "Commit your ways to the Lord; trust in Him and He will bring it to pass." The best choice you can make is to submit everything you are to God and let Him bring forth the great expectations He has for you!
Author: Ty Pipkins
Co-Founder Choose To Stay Ministries

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The Spirit"s" of Christmas

Its the most wonderful time of year... for some. While the air is filled with joyful carols, great anticipation for the big day, and a spirit of giving not often seen in our society, there are those who are mired in a very different place around Christmas. It's no surprise to me however that during a celebration of God giving His only son as the plan of redemption for all humanity, the enemy of our souls is actively attempting to steal the joy of the holidays from many. That's right, we hear of 'the spirit of Christmas', but there are other spirits sent to rob us of our joy and take our thoughts away from the true reason we celebrate.
The old cliche' "Jesus is the reason for the season" doesn't even scratch the surface of the true meaning of Christmas. You see, Jesus isn't just the reason for the season, He's the reason for it all! Acts 17:28 says "In Him we live and move and have our being". Everything I am, everything I have, everything I will become is because of Him, and He is all I truly need. He is my hope, my strength, my healer, my restorer, and most importantly, my savior. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James 1:17).
So how could anyone be discouraged, depressed and defeated during this time of year when we celebrate the hope for all mankind coming to earth, living a perfect life, and dying on a cross so that we could escape the penalty of our sin? It's because while we are reminded of the hope we have in Christ, satan is reminded of the fact he was and is defeated, and he doesn't like that one bit. So what does he do? You've heard the old saying "misery loves company", well, satan wants all the company he can get.
So that explains why he works so hard to divide families at Christmas, why he works to remind us of the most unpleasant memories we have of the holidays and rip scabs off hurts we have been trying to heal from for years. The enemy spends his Christmas trying to destroy yours! Don't let him! Rather than focusing on all the things that seem to be going wrong, or the money you don't have to by that gift, rather than comparing yourself to everyone else and how great their Christmas appears to be, remind yourself that you have been freely given the greatest gift of all time. Think of it as though you opened that gift that you wanted so badly but wasn't sure your parents would be able to find or afford it. Think of the joy and excitement you would have when you realized you got that gift, and how you couldn't wait to tell your friends. I'm here to tell you that you did get that gift even though you didn't deserve or ask for it, and you need to tell all your friends about how great God is! That alone would kick satan right in the mouth and change your whole perspective this holiday season.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, and people need to be reminded of that. When you see someone discouraged or down in the dumps this Christmas, tell them about the best gift you ever got. Help them to see the hope and freedom that is found only in Jesus, and ruin satan's Christmas by making someone else's the best ever!

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A New You For a New Year

"Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control." Proverbs 25:28
Our cities don't have walls anymore, but think about what that verse would mean in the context that it was written. A city without walls in biblical times would be completely vulnerable to the enemy's attacks, it's citizens would have no boundaries and no one would be protected from the dangers that await outside the city. When my wife and I founded Choose To Stay Ministries, the book of Nehemiah proved to have many principles that we found applicable to marriage. One of those principles is that we must build a wall of protection around our marriage to protect it from the enemy and outside influences that want to destroy this God ordained union. We also need to create boundaries that protect each other from satan's tactics in regards to the way he attacks through infidelity, pornography and all kinds of destructive behavior.
So how does this relate to self control? Well, I recently heard a Pastor speaking that said he didn't like the phrase 'self-control'. While I understand that he probably doesn't like the implication of 'self' being in 'control', I think we need to look at this from a whole different angle. You see, self control is not about being IN control of oneself, rather it's having control OVER self. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." When we give our lives to Jesus, we are choosing to make Him Lord. We are saying to God, "I don't want to be in control anymore. I've messed it all up. Please take control", and He does. The trick is to become more fully submitted to His will everyday and crucify our flesh so that we can be led by the Spirit. Paul says in Romans 8 that if we are led by the Spirit then we won't fulfill the lust of the flesh. That's called having control OVER self and that's part of the fruit of the Spirit.
While we turn the page on a new year, why don't we turn the page on a new you as well? Why don't we consider becoming more self-less everyday and more like Christ at the same time. When we allow Jesus to be in control we can experience His divine protection. We are also given the Spirit of God to lead and guide us to all truth, and as our thinking is transformed we gain the wisdom of God that keeps us from walking into the enemy's traps.
What an exciting proposition. We get to stop fretting and trying to figure out what we should do. We get to stop worrying about how it's gonna work out. Instead, we get to trust in the Lord, lean not on our own understanding, and watch as He directs our steps.
Having self-control really means having Him in control and when He's in control. you get a whole new you!

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Married in Ministry, Not to Ministry

Having served in some sort of ministry capacity my entire married life, this is a topic I have become very passionate about. I'm not just speaking of full time ministers either. I am talking to all of you who serve in any type of ministry from worship, to nursery, greeter, usher, and the list goes on. How is it that so often we see people actively serving in the church endure the tragedy of a failed marriage or children gone wayward?
The answer is fairly simple, even though the solution is not. While serving in ministry of any type, you must keep your priorities in check. Simply put, you must remember that you are married in ministry, not to it. No matter what level of ministry we are in, it's so easy to begin to feel like we are indispensable. We believe that if we don't do it no one else will and in the process we fail to honor our obligations to our top ministry responsibility, our family.
Far to often churches help create this unstable environment. I myself have served at churches where long hours and going above and beyond were expected. While ministry is work, it's not the only work, nor is it (dare I say) the most important work of the individual. Hear me out on this one, I'm not saying the great commission isn't our responsibility. What I am saying is that the great commission shouldn't lead to the omission of our family responsibilities. I know Pastors whose children aren't serving the Lord right now because the church took the attention and relationship they desperately needed from their parents.
Before we all gang up on the church as the place to point the blame, let's own our part in this epidemic. There is one word all of us who have a heart for ministry need to learn, NO! Over committing ourselves is the main reason we end up exhausted, priorities out of whack, with nothing left to give our loved ones. Jesus in Luke 14 taught the disciples that no one builds a tower without first counting the cost and no king goes to war without considering if he has the army to do so. Don't commit what belongs to your wife and kids to the ministry, use your left over time for that.
Co-laborers in Christ PLEASE understand this truth. While service is a result of the transformation that takes place after salvation, service does NOT equal salvation. Don't be made to feel guilty because you have to cut back in an area of service. You will be much more effective in the service you can commit to and your family will reap the benefits as well.

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